Uncomfortable

Awake My Soul 

 There's a way to get to Heaven 
That the darkness can't explain 
There's a bright and glorious future 
For the ones who walk in grace 

 But it's hard, so hard to see 
When my fear is blinding me 

 Shatter windows, fill these holes 
Come Awake My Soul 
Bring Your love into my wreckage 
Then will I be whole 

 There's a joy, it's overflowing 
Saying I'm no longer lost 
There's a peace, a peace in knowing 
Jesus found me on that cross 

 Shatter windows, fill these holes 
Come Awake My Soul 
Bring Your love into my wreckage
Then will I be whole


 I wrote this song a couple weeks ago as a prayer for myself because over the course of my life, I have said, "no" to God a lot. I am one who is easily made uncomfortable. I am never one to be found in a crowd of people. I collapse under confrontation. When people ask something of me, even something like leading worship which I believe is my calling, I make up a reason why I can't when really I just don't want to be under the pressure. The problem with my thinking is it's all about how I feel and not about who God is.

 My Father loved me so much that He thought of me before the earth was made. He knew what I would be comfortable and uncomfortable with long before I knew who I was. Despite what I am comfortable with, He has given me a calling. It doesn't matter what I feel about it or whether I believe I am capable. My job is to say, "Yes Lord." He doesn't ever expect more of us than what we are capable of bringing. On top of that, even though I may cower in fear at the thought of standing in front of people and leading worship, it is when I am doing just that, that I am truly comfortable. When I finally let go of myself and allow God to do His work instead, that is when everything falls into place.

 It is really hard to see God's miracles when you are blinded by your fears. That is why it is my prayer that God would break into the hearts of His people and shake them up. If we aren't feeling challenged to be more like Jesus then we are frozen in our walk. My prayer is that all of us would wake up and feel His love calling us to use our giftings. Jesus wasn't comfortable on the cross. We are now His hands and feet. Why would it be okay for our selfishness to get in the way of God's work?

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Incapable

Yesterday, I flew to Oregon to do some worship music at a Christmas Dinner for an organization  called Camp Agape. It is a camp devoted to helping and showing Jesus to kids with incarcerated parents. Needless to say it was a pretty amazing experience for a girl who has had her parents at her side for her entire life. I love going and serving with my brother because I never come home the same person as when I left. I always learn something.

This time I learned that sometimes it's the things we find ourselves incapable of that God expects of us. But at the same time, He's not asking too much. How could He? He gave it all and He didn't even have to. Yet when something is too hard for us, we get mad and dare to accuse Him of putting a mountain in front of us. We act like He has no right to put mountains wherever He pleases. Why is that? In fact, that is the most beautiful way to build a mountain. So that we can't climb it. If we could climb a mountain on our own, it wouldn't be much of a mountain now would it? So here I find myself, standing at the bottom of a mountain, looking up at the top and wondering why in the world I'm supposed to climb it when I don't even have any ropes. But the question in itself is the very answer. I'm supposed to climb it because I know I can't. God is the only one that's going to get me up that mountain. If I get that, when I look out at the view from the top, I will know for sure, that it's all because of Jesus. And I will see the view for what it really is. Once I fully come to the understanding that everything I could ever do is for and because of Him, that's when I can show Jesus to the people that I so desperately want to love and serve. It starts with being incapable.

Everybody has a mountain really. Everyone feels like they can't handle the load at times. That's just the perfect time for God to work miracles. He works by setting us aside and loving others with a self-sacrificing love, an "Agape" love through us. We just can't do it on our own. We are incapable.

All I Wanted by Paramore Cover

Since I have been totally slammed with college work lately, I decided on my birthday this year that I was going to make NO plans and for the first time in months I was going to sit at home and do whatever I wanted to do at any moment I wanted. This was the result.



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The Purpose of a Worship Leader

I have seen music take hold of an unsaved life and bring complete emptiness. This is why I cringe when people tell me to go get famous or audition for the,"oh so wonderful", American Idol. This is why I am completely uncomfortable on stage in a setting where I am expected to perform for myself. We were made for more than that. We were made to worship. I think in order to define a Worship Leader we must first define "worship" itself. Personally, I would say that worship is any act that brings God glory. From the message from the pastor on Sunday morning to the fellowship that comes afterward, if God receives glory, it is worship in my eyes. However, for the time set aside as music time, our worship is the expression of love to God through beautiful noises.

The purpose of a Worship Leader is to create an atmosphere and environment in which the church can give God glory in. This means they are probably in the front making it clear what the congregation is supposed to be singing and giving them something to sing with. I suppose everyone could sing A Cappella and guess where and how to stop and start. But it's distracting when everyone is trying to figure out what to do on their own. The Worship Leader is designed to be the example and "backtrack" per-say so that the church can freely worship God together as one body. However, personally, I think the Worship Leader has another hat. In the Bible, the first Worship Leader example I see is David. The reason David is known as a Worship Leader is simple. He wrote the Psalms. As a matter of fact, I am not aware of any Worship Leader in scripture that didn't write worship songs. This is why I think it isn't just a good idea, but it is important, for the Worship Leader of a church to provide new songs for their congregation and others to connect with and worship God with themselves.

Honestly, it hurts my heart when people tell me to become famous as a compliment. Not because there is something wrong with being popular or well known, but because that has become our measure of success. Even in a "worship" setting, that is what is expected of us. In all the efforts of a Worship Leader, I can't think of one reason fame should be at all a part of the goal. In a secular world, only playing music for one group of people every week is seen as failure. But I don't want to play music for one group of people every week. My goal is to play music for one God and to get others to join in. Playing music for people is something I have only seen result in emptiness. This is good, actually, because if bringing glory to a human being like ourselves was fulfilling, then we must be worthy of the glory. But we aren't. Only God is. So as a Worship Leader, I want people to look at me and see an arrow pointing up so that they can give the Father the praise due to Him.

2012 Stanwood High School Graduation

On June 8th, 2012 I graduated from Stanwood High School and set off to endeavor the world. I was so happy to have my family show up and be there shouting my name as I walked by in my cap and gown. Having achieved Student of the Year in Website Designing and Director's Choice Student of the Year in Choir, I am content with ending my High School experience.

Next year, I am attending Bellevue College and will be going for my AA in Arts and Sciences with a focus in Audio Engineering. I was accepted into the "Celebration" Jazz Ensemble and will be exploring my giftings in music. I am very excited about whatever God's will is for my future and am prepared to dive in.

Haiti Fundraising Dinner

On March 30th, I played a concert at Camano Chapel for their Haiti Fundraising Dinner. They had sent a team of people from their church to Haiti on a missions trip and I was asked to provide entertainment for the night. It was a lot of fun with my dad, Kevin and my brother, Dave, Trey, Siri, and Connor. It was a great growing experience with God.